


Hug The Prison I've Been Living In

by WhisperOfTheDay



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: (written and posted before i watched uprising), Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, Newt-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, pre-the first movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 16:17:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14060694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhisperOfTheDay/pseuds/WhisperOfTheDay
Summary: At some point they have developed a system.Hermann would ask him how bad it is, he would answer with a number from 5 to 1. The physicist would then remind Newt of what kind of pills to take and how many and in what order.You know. Usual routine.





	1. 1

The noise of waves bashing against metal far beneath his feet. The roar of the Pacific winds. The beauty of the endless ocean. The tranquillity of it. It's so dark. Everything is so dark. It's mysterious and there's so much unknown out there. _The unknown_. It's as scary as it's tempting. Once you dive in, nothing will matter. Nothing will hurt. There will be nothing. Somehow it's no longer appealing. It's scary. It's _terrifying and foolish and awful and too soon and **too close OH MEIN GOTT**_  
  
Newton jerks backwards and crushes on his back hard, dragging himself away from the edge, as distressed cries keep tearing through the chilling midnight air.


	2. 2

Sometimes he would wake up to face another raw of 'bad days', and find hurting, sometimes already infected cuts on his hands, which couldn't have been made less than two days ago, and left unattended. He never tries to recall how he got them, lest he'll remember something he'd wish he didn't. Like that they didn't appear there on accident during autopsy.


	3. 3

He sincerely loathes himself for being like this.   
For needing to walk a fine line between brilliance and madness, dedication and mania, fascination and worship, experimentation and death wish, pushing himself to the limits of what's possible - to feel alive.   
  
Always on the verge of breaking, always anxious, restless, reckless, slowly destroying- _killing_ himself to live.  
  
_irony in its purest form_  
  
_You take maximum out of life, take everything it offers, live to the fullest_ , his father said  
  
_No regrets. Remember that._  
  
  
Newt has many.   
  
But all of them mean nothing once the good days come.  
  



	4. 4

Warm bed. Loneliness and that state when you want to sleep but can't quite close your eyes, won't move and definitely won't try to do something you should have done days ago. Hazy and indifferent, it tastes good on his tongue. Room silent and mind blank. The splashes of salt-water outside the curtained window can only be in his head, cause the walls of his little coccon of safety are soundproof.


	5. 5

"People suffer out there," they'd say. "Lose their loved ones, their lives," they'd continue. "You think it's all a game, some sort of a- a thrilling movie?" they'd ask. "Go to hell, Geiszler," they'd throw in his face, never once thinking that it's within his power to flip all this off and leave the world to fend for itself. Cause it's he who holds the knowledge of how to save it.  
  
  
  
One day.


End file.
